I’m trying to think of the best way to apologize, here. I know I may have disappointed some who like the Write There concept, and I’m sorry for letting it fall by the wayside. I have no desire to offer an explanation of why. I’m writing this blog to admit to something, and whether anyone is here afterwards is their prerogative.
No, I haven’t offed someone, no matter how annoying they are. I haven’t harvested organs for the black market or Madoff with anybody’s investment money.
The truth is I’m struggling with depression and trying not to let it gobble me up. It’s not always a matter of the Big Bad accumulating into gale force winds to blow the walls of my mental sanctum down. At times I just go from feeling everything like my skin has been scraped raw to feeling nothing like I’ve been dipped in rubber cement. This yoyoing is exhausting, but it’s also how I protected myself for 30+ years. When I felt exposed or vulnerable, I’d withdraw and shore up my defenses.
And now, I’m trying to find a balance between the two. I even started counseling. Yay, initiative, whoop-de-fucking-do. Half of me says ‘I can do this’!
Meanwhile, the other half of me is calling bullshit.
I guess I’ll see which one wins.
I am going to restart this challenge, but I’m going to limit participation to three a week. The rules will still be the same. The point is confronting that part of me that gives up when I feel defeated, so I’m asking for the help of anyone who reads this.
Stay on me about this. Insult me if I lag behind. Kick me in the couch warmer if I even hint that I’m throwing in the towel. That’s the type of support I need right now. Letting others support me on a psychological level is really tough for me to do, but I know it’s also part of what I have to change about myself to learn better, healthier ways of dealing with setbacks and bad days. Because, at the most basic level, what I’m doing now just ain’t cutting it. And if I don’t change something soon this will be Me, Forever. I’m not willing to accept that, so Fuck It, it’s GO time.
Depression, Come at Me, Bro. Try to blow my house down. This time, t-h-i-s t-i-m-e, I swear I’mma use brick to rebuild. You’ll be the one left out in the cold, because I’m tired of feeling goose-bump chilled down into my soul.
So, come at me, bro. This time, I’ll be ready for you.
-The Nitroglycerin Midget